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Depression and Steroids Exposed - rodance.info
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This does not mean no one cares. If you need to talk to someone at once, you may want to take a look at our Hotline Numbers. Steroids have cured my depression. Well, at least for now I used to be active in this subreddit about 2 years ago under a different user name which I had to scrap because I was being blackmailed.
At the time I was in the midst of the worst period of depression I'd ever experienced. While I'd been mild-to-moderately depressed for much of my life from about ages , at age 24 I began seeking psychiatric treatment.
Initially it was a failure. Citalopram an SSRI was the first thing I tried, and I felt more or less the same except for feeling like I was vaguely high on magic mushrooms all day, having horrible dreams, and unable to orgasm. Next up was valproic acid Depakote , which made me feel like a zombie. At this point, I tried Adderall for the first time. It wasn't prescribed, I was just in college and everyone was doing it. It knocked out my depression instantly. This led me to eventually be prescribed Wellbutrin bupropion and a small daily dose of Ritalin.
The next 18 months I felt wonderful, by and large. The fatigue, lack of motivation, and lack of pleasure I typically had from my life were largely gone. One day, however, I made the fateful mistake of telling my doctor that I passed out while lifting weights at the gym on an abysmally hot day. She pulled me off my medication cold turkey, and effectively black-balled me from getting any treatment from the VA veteran's hospital, this was my only source of healthcare at the time.
My life was shattered almost instantly. I went from finally living up to my potential and being a strong, productive, respected person, to a withered husk of a human being. I'd roll out of bed to pee and occasionally eat food to assuage my hunger when it started to hurt, since food just had no flavor anyways. I became homeless despite having a good bit of money saved up. I just didn't care. Finding an apartment was too much effort. I lived in my truck for several weeks before taking some Adderall I bought off the street.
This gave me enough energy to find a place to live. I moved in and promptly shut the blinds and locked myself in that room for months, only leaving to get the absolute bare necessities.
I severed ties with most of my friends and family, and thought about suicide a lot. But suicide was too much effort, so I slept and laid in bed and occasionally browsed reddit. I wasn't working either. But it at least gave me hope again. The drugs worked their magic, however, my psyche was incredibly fragile- missing a dose would immediately plunge me into misery and fatigue.
Over the next 2 years I was largely a waste of life, but I slowly started to piece things back together and be a more functional human. I worked some part time jobs, got laid a bit even if I couldn't ever successfully maintain a relationship , and ventured out of the house more.
But I still very much felt that the drugs were merely masking my symptoms, and whatever motivation and happiness I felt always seemed fleeting and artificial. This past summer, I started a new job and felt like my life was getting back on course. Then, of course, new health issues started to crop up.
I had a lot of problems with temperature dysregulation, feeling hot very easily, having 'hot flashes', night sweats, flushing in my face and chest. This was not totally new for me, but it seemed to be getting worse. Also, the body I had worked hard to build in my early-mid 20's was turning back into the skinny, flabby, unattractive mess that had undermined my self-confidence as a teen and young man.
Getting back to the gym and trying to eat healthier didn't work, my body just didn't give a shit. The final straw was that I had a lump developing in my breast. For most purposes, its the ratio of T: E that is important for general health, not the aggregate amounts. After a lot of research, I decided to do as the steroid users say and "jump on the gains train". I'd rather be happy and look good and die young than continue to be unhappy, lazy, and look like poop.
I have some issues with body image if you haven't figure that out by now. I did some research around the interwebs and found a reputable source for steroids. The results have been pretty spectacular. Within about a week or two of my first "pin" injection of testosterone, my energy, mood, and libido improved dramatically. I wanted to get up in the morning and go do stuff. I had motivation in the gym and everywhere else.
Sexually, I never had problems "getting it up" even while depressed, but now I was once again a horny poon-hound like I was in college. Physically, it took all of about a month to get back into what had previously been the best shape of my life- fairly big and meaty but not particularly lean and ab-tastic.
When I got my diet in order a little bit, I started losing body fat while gaining muscle, which was impossible for me in the 10 years of working out sans steroids or 'natty' as they say. Now about 9 or 10 weeks after starting anabolic steroids, I am turning into a frightening muscle-bound freak: Instead of just being a "pretty big guy" who didn't look particularly impressive with his shirt off, I am getting admiring looks and requests for advice from other gym-goers.
But what I wasn't expecting is that the depression is just In a way that it's never been before. My use of wellbutrin and adderall have dropped to almost nothing. It's not that I never feel sad or anxious ever, but I feel bad when it's appropriate and I feel good when its appropriate in response to life When I'm happy, I'm not worried about that little dark spectre on my shoulder saying "Muahahah, you've only got 3 hours til the amphetamine wears off.
I'll see you then Just, not enough of it. Is it better or worse than typical anti-depressants in the long run?
I don't think anyone can say that. Right now my cost-benefit analysis says its the right move. Instead of taking amphetamines every day I'm injecting a naturally-occurring hormone. It feels like my problems, which always seem to center around Dopamine and Norepinephrine, are being fixed at a deeper level than with stimulants. I no longer drink alcohol nights a week to dull my sadness. I've cut down my cigarette smoking and am on track to quit. While steroids may raise my blood pressure and cholesterol and create cardiac problems in the future, I look and feel healthier than I have in my entire life.
If you are interested in the science behind steroids and depression, there are a number of studies that have been done and shown a lot of success with certain types of depression. I've long wondered if there is something wrong with my adrenal gland because it is responsible for producing the majority of the body's dopamine, which in turn becomes norepinephrine.
My depression has always been of the "atypical" variety, the stupidest name ever because its actually extremely common. Anyways, atypical depression is characterized moreso by physiologic symptoms like fatigue and anhedonia than more melancholic depression which seems to respond well to SSRI's, at least sometimes.
Gonna catch up on this tomorrow do not forget about the ketamine depression treatment, itnresting stuff and post my thoughts. I've experienced this also. It's even better than narcotics for pain relief. Trouble is that the depression is just laying back, waiting for the time when your body can't manage the steroids any longer and then you'll get hit twice as hard.
This is a path no better or perhaps worse than alcohol and drugs. If you've reserved the thought of the long kiss goodnight, you're fooling yourself. Not a pretty picture. I don't think comparing testosterone to narcotics or even antidepressants is fair. Its not something you build a tolerance to that is going to crap out on you suddenly. Its more like things will go along swimmingly until you have a heart attack. And all I hear about on the news about any drugs are negative things, you never hear success stories.
I didnt want to take steroids because it's too expensive and too difficult to manage but testosterone boosters seem to work so far. A lot of therapists seem to forget that hormonal imbalance could be the cause of depression too. Also not all testosterone boosters work, some just cause aggression, headaches and a crazy appetite.